Matt Evans

Posted October 11, 2021
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Note: Parts of this have been adapted from Pastor Kevin Myers’ (12Stone Church) “Fight Night Rules.”


  1. 1. Someone calls for a Gospel-centered fight (apply Wisdom 101).
    1. –Calling it “Gospel-centered” elevates the conversation and the guidelines away from our flesh, our anger, and our fears, putting Christ and His Gospel at the center.

Wisdom 101:

  • Is this “overlookable”{Proverbs 19:11}?
    • Somethings are petty and more about personal preferences than serious issues
  • When is the best time to discuss this?
    • Be at your best; avoid times when one or both of you are tired or overly emotional
  • Has prayer been a part of this?
  • Is the goal of this reconciliation and restoration?
    • The goal cannot be simply to “vent” or make a point.
  • Will honor mark this (Romans 12:10)?

2. Husband: read Colossians 3:12-14 to set the tone of the conversation

Colossians 3:12-14
Therefore, as God’s chosen ones, holy and dearly loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a grievance against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you are also to forgive. Above all, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. 

Gospel Fight Rules:

  • 3. Wife: opportunity to speak first
    • →Husband: practice honor (=no interrupting but active listening)
  • 4. Husband: with respect and kindness, repeat what you heard
    • →Wife: confirm you have been heard correctly
  • 5. Repeat Steps 3 & 4 but with roles reversed.
  • 6. Identity clear solutions: usually the next step will include one or more of the four listed below:
    • a. Apologies and forgiveness: asked for and given
    • b. Go another round … after a pause and more prayer
    • c. From this point forward …
      • Husband and Wife: Individually make “I will …” commitments
      • Together: make a “We will …” commitment
    • d. We need the help of … godly friends? Pastor? Counselor?
  • 7. No matter where we are after #6, we will say,
    • I love you and am committed to loving you as Jesus has loved me” and embrace.