A Conversation on How to Forgive
Kristen West:
Well, hey there, Rock Bridge! We are so happy that you’ve joined us today, and we are delighted that we have been walking through this Red Letter Challenge together. We’ve noticed as we’ve progressed through it that one of the harder topics that we all are challenged with and just have to navigate daily, honestly, is that of forgiveness. So, we are here with Matt today, and I’ve just got a few forgiveness-specific questions for him that we’d love to hear his thoughts on. So, are you all set, Matt?
Matt Evans:
Ready to go.
Kristen West:
Here we go. The first one is:
What should I do when I have chosen to forgive but I’m still battling anger or hurt against the person who actually sinned against me?
Matt Evans:
Yeah, it’s such a great question and such a reality of the dynamic of forgiveness. So, I think a couple of things, as I’ve studied and prayed through this, are that we cannot confuse the act, the decision to forgive, with the emotion of the pain, disappointment, or letdown that we’ve experienced. They’re really two separate things. So, you can choose to forgive someone, yet still feel hurt, pain, anger, or frustration. I think that’s okay. Don’t confuse those two things.
Then, the question becomes, what do followers of Jesus do with emotions we know are ultimately harmful? It’s okay to have those emotions, but it’s not okay for those emotions to control you, robbing you of God’s best. That’s when we need to learn to read the Psalms, pray the Psalms, and take our emotions—raw and unfiltered—to this big, awesome God, and leave them there.
Kristen West:
That’s good. Psalms are amazing. Well, here’s another one:
What someone can do if they’re processing forgiveness with someone who’s already passed away?
Matt Evans:
Yeah, that’s a challenge because there’s no opportunity, this side of heaven, to have a conversation or anything of that nature. But I still believe forgiveness is called for in those situations. It’s about processing that with the Lord. It’s the decision to forgive what happened, forgive what they did to you, or how they let you down.
Because death has occurred, it’s a good opportunity to entrust that person to the Lord. Anytime we forgive, we’re saying, “I am not the ultimate judge. I am not the best arbitrator of justice.” So, we release that person—even if they’re still living, but especially if they’ve passed away—completely trusting them to the Lord.
Often, we struggle with forgiveness because we worry about whether they’re going to get what they deserve. Did they get away with something? That’s when we have to trust God because He’s way better at justice than we are. When the person has passed away, you have to trust them to the Lord and work on your forgiveness with Him. And then work on your side of forgiveness with the Lord.
Kristen West:
That’s good. Next question:
What are some signs that might point towards unforgiveness we might be carrying as individuals?
Matt Evans:
Oh. If you secretly celebrate or rejoice in the misfortune of the person you haven’t forgiven, or if you’re kind of hoping they slip and fall on the proverbial banana peel, that’s a telltale sign. Another would be avoidance—if you can’t look at the person, or if you saw their car at the grocery store and decided to go to another store. Avoiding people who have hurt you means you’re struggling with forgiveness.
Another sign is if you can’t pray for God to bless the person who hurt you. If you can’t, then you’re not there yet with true forgiveness. Again, the highest form of discipleship is loving our enemies and those who have hurt or cursed us. So, those are some things you have to wrestle with the Lord about.
Kristen West:
Yeah, universal. Man, this hits everybody.
Matt Evans:
Nobody is immune to it. That’s where, Kristen, we have to keep in mind that this is a vision for life in the kingdom of God—not the kingdom of this world, sin, self, or Satan, but the kingdom of God. There’s a different code He calls us to live by.
The cost of not forgiving is far greater than the cost of forgiving.
Kristen West:
Yeah, because we carry it.
Matt Evans:
Yeah, and it eats away at us. It robs us.
Kristen West:
So, here’s another one. This one I’ve heard from a number of individuals:
When can I know that the process of forgiving a person is complete?
Matt Evans:
I think a good indication is when you can genuinely pray for them to be blessed and feel agape love towards them—unconditional love, where you truly want God’s best for that person. But at the same time, understand that forgiveness is a decision you make, but you have to manage that decision sometimes daily, sometimes seasonally.
For instance, you may forgive someone in the summer, but when Christmas comes around, certain relationships might resurface. You may have forgiven them, but then, “Oh, I have to see them,” or, “Oh, I’m going to have to be around them.” So, you have to remind yourself, “I did forgive them back on June 2nd,” or whenever. It’s about managing that decision.
When Jesus says to take up your cross, He says to do it daily. It’s kingdom living that is lived out every day. It’s like when you became a Christ follower; you may have become a Christian at 15 or 22, but you live out that decision daily. Some days are better than others.
Forgiveness is no different. I have forgiven, but I’m going to have to manage that decision with the help of the Holy Spirit, with the help of God’s people—sometimes daily, sometimes seasonally. Over time, you’ll be able to rest in the fact that you’ve truly forgiven.
Kristen West:
You said something a minute ago that sets up this last question I’ve written down. You mentioned forgiving someone in June but needing to see them at Christmastime. So, December comes around, and I’m going to be faced with them. Here’s my question:
Can you provide us with some guidelines for when reconciliation is appropriate versus when we should just forgive?
Matt Evans:
When a person who has hurt or disappointed you is not repentant or willing to meet you halfway, reconciliation is not likely possible. Forgiveness is on us, right? But reconciliation requires both parties. It’s like tennis—if the other person doesn’t hit the ball back, I’m not playing anymore.
I do what I’m supposed to do; as far as it depends on me, I live at peace with all people, as Romans says. But it doesn’t all depend on me for reconciliation. Forgiveness is between me and the Lord. Reconciliation requires the other person to be willing to repent or talk to me about any hurt I may have caused, and we meet there with the spirit of wanting to get right with one another.
Kristen West:
Good. Thank you.
Matt Evans:
Thank you. That’s a tough one.
Kristen West:
That is a tough one, but I think it will help. I think a lot of people watching need to hear this in this season. Thank you for taking the time. We appreciate you stopping by to answer some questions on forgiveness.
We truly hope that Matt’s answers to these questions have helped put some handlebars around the topic of forgiveness for you as you move forward in your journey with the Lord. Thanks for joining us, Rock Bridge. We pray that you would love God, love others, and live sent as you continue your journey.